Special Mention - Chris Cottom
Why Rabbits Make Poor Pets
By Chris Cottom
1. Young ones are difficult to sex so you buy two females and a little later, hey presto, you need
two hutches, two bowls, two water bottles, and a restraining order.
2. They run amok around the garden after their remake of The Great Escape because you’re as
crap at DIY as you are at spotting a willy in a pet shop.
3. You spend two weekends crawling around your fence, patching every hole.
4. They make it their life’s work to eat the garden.
5. The kids sulk when you rule that, for legal reasons, no rabbit can be named Vlad the
Destroyer.
6. They’re not very chatty.
7. The kids claim sawdust allergies so guess who ends up cleaning the hutches?
8. They turn up their nibbly noses at the hay they’re supposed to eat, like they’re saying, ‘Do
you eat your bedding? Really, boss?’
9. They nip through your speaker cables so you can’t blast out Meatloaf and wow the kids with
your air guitar while your wife takes a spa day after the trauma of rehoming six babies: Junior,
Fiona, Square Face, Frida Kahlo, Bandit, and Son of Vlad.
10. They don’t walk to heel.
11. They chew door frames in their hutches, which is rabbit-speak for ‘Let me out, you bastard.’
12. They tunnel to rival Swampy.
13. They do two sorts of poo. And eat one sort! It’s true! But they leave plenty for you (see 7,
above).
14. Their vets’ bills would buy you a season ticket to Manchester United.
15. They’re supposed to eat hay (see 8, above) but prefer Waitrose carrots and the crocuses your
wife replants in vain (see 4, above) because you’re stupid enough to fall for that
anthropomorphic Watership Down stuff and know they’re pleading for an evening dandelion
hunt around the garden from which they promise to go home by themselves.
16. They’re impossible to catch in the dark when they don’t keep their promises (see 15, above).
17. They die and the kids are okay about it, because it’s all part of the circle of life.
18. They die and the hutches are empty and bereft, but not as much as you.